Day -2 (12/20/04)
Got a call from Derek Philips (derek@iris.eonet.ne.jp, for future reference), the assistant teacher of the course. There is a spot for the 12/22--1/02 course for me. Yes, I can make it to Kyoto in two days, just tell me when and where.
Day -1 (12/21/04)
Sent Simona off that morning. Honda-sensei and Nishiyama-sensei did not look thrilled about me taking the last day of school off and missing the bonenkai (end-of-year party) at the last minute to sit somewhere for 10 days. I couldn't tell if the kids were mildly impressed or puzzled. Either way, a sigh of relief at the end of the day.
Day 0 (12/22/04)
Left at about 10.5. Detoured to Fukuchiyama to rest and check out the city and the castle there. Turned off Rt. 9 around 4pm only to realize that I did not print out the internet maps with higher zoom and couldn't find my way to the center. Waited at the rest stop for someone from the center to lead me there. Arrived at 5pm, checked in as old student. Roomed with some Australian named Matt (but calls himself Machi) and two Japanese men, one of whom spoke good English for forgot his name. All old students. Dinner was soba noodles.
Day 1 (12/23/04)
Schedule: 4am wake up call. 4.5 1st morning meditation. 6.5 breakfast. 8 morning group sitting. 9 2nd morning meditation. 11 lunch. 1 1st afternoon meditation. 2.5 afternoon group sitting. 3.5 2nd afternoon meditation. 5 fruit and tea. 6 night group sitting. 7 video discourse. 8.5 final group sitting. 9 bedtime. I slept through the early morning and afternoon meditations. Machi talked in his sleep. Lunch was oden.
Day 2 (12/24/04)
For the first 3 days, the old students were to practice anapana meditation only. I didn't quite understand exactly what's the purpose or what's so tough about focusing solely on breathing. I found the whole thing to be incredibly boring, not to mention sleepy. I'm starting to notice the combine effect of noble silence and vegetarian diet: liberal and unapologetic flatulence by just about everybody. I was called in during the lunch question hours, and Derek wanted to know if I still wanted to take the 1/5/05 course, the one that I originally signed up for, having been waitlisted for this current one. I think lunch was pasta with tomatoe sauce.
Day 3 (12/25/04)
I didn't even realize that day 3 was Christmas. I finally realized what the teacher meant by subtle breath and started to really focus on anapana. Also on the third day, I broke the 3rd precept. Although after it I found that it was much easier to practice meditation that day, I feared that any of the newfound focus was nevertheless tainted. The guy sitting behind me made noises constantly. Whenever someone else in the hall made a noise, he invariably continues the chain of noise with a cough, scratch, shift, sneeze, nose-blow. He just as often played the role of the initiator of the noise chain. Machi again talked in his sleep, sounding like he's trying to charm some dame. Lunch was curry rice, or it could've been tomatoe sauce pasta.
Day 4 (12/26/04)
Today was vipassana day. I got right into the swing of things and felt subtle sensations right away (though I think I derived way too much joy from it to be equanimous). I was also able to go through 1 hour strong determination sittings even with pain and discomfort (though similarly, it was mainly due to willful pain tolerance rather than equanimity). The plethora of subtle bodily sensations led me to break the 3rd precept again. It also released some of the tension caused by that coughing guy behind me. He sat cross-legged without butt cushion so that the posture caused him to hunch forward exaggeratedly. Both his head and his coughs were never more than a couple of feet from me--such that his coughs elicited more than just auditory sensations, especially on the back of my neck. This chubby, unctuous, figedty, early middle-aged Japanese man made me so angry I forgot what lunch was on this day.
Day 5 (12/27/04)
The chain continued: again the 3rd precept was broken this morning, and I was nearly caught by the 4th roommate. I found it very hard to focus on meditation, with constants thoughts of Simona, Simona, and Simona. It hasn't even been a week! I struggled through the whole day, missing both the morning and afternoon sittings. I felt that my moments of weakness has already ruined the whole 10 days in not even 5 full days. I wanted to go home, or start my multi-day roadtrip through the kansai region right away, but I knew that if I quit half-way I would feel even worse about it. The video discourse that night renewed my conviction that the course was only half over and that there's still time for me to make/take something from this experience. It was unfamiliar to me, so either they switched this one here or I fell asleep during this one at the Joshua Tree retreat. I think this was the one about how old stock of sankaras can arise to the surface and manifest itself as unpleasant sensations and emotions, as you deprive your mind of fuel in the form of new sankaras. I found that this made a lot of sense, and incredibly helpful with my struggles. Lunch was some cabbage and sesame stir-fry.
Day 6 (12/28/04)
With renewed conviction, I worked hard today, the first day of the new half. I got up for the full morning session, and didn't miss a single session all day. The discomfort in my left knee and hipjoint had developed into persistant pain, even when I switch the way I sit in the half-lotus. Although I think I did well in observing the pain and remaining equanimous. It ocurred to me that, although I had really struggled thus far during this retreat, it must be a sign that stocks of emotional negativity and mental impurity are rising from the deep layer, which shouldn't be surprising to me considering that I've had so much ups and downs since coming to Japan. The 2nd morning session was especially good, the trance felt so deep that when it was over, it really felt like an emergence--this session really made an impression because afterwards, it snowed. As the snow fell on the ground, it melted right away. But as it fell on plants, it gathered and piled in layers, and weighed the plants down. In the afternoon, the sun came out and melted everything. Lunch was rice and veggie miso soup. That night, in the entrance to the building right outside of my room, I could hear this rhythmic rustling, followed by a "Aaahh--uh," which I suspected was someone masturbating.
Day 7 (12/29/04)
I woke up and found that everything was covered in snow. In the morning, two other guys were in the shower at the same time and I showered with tepid water, and my nose was congested for the whole day. The knee felt worse, it throbbed even during break hours when I wasn't sitting. The struggle came back, I had doubts if I was using my time productively here as I thought of a million other things that's wrong with my life that needs fixing. The cougher launched into a fit during one of the morning sessions and my knee pulsed in sync with every one of his coughs, which made me angrier/more frustrated. Someone made a snowman outside in the garden in the morning, which was the only snow left by lunch break. I was the only one outside during lunch break, and for somereason when I saw this snowman with the melting smile, I broke down. I couldn't even remember the last time I sobbed. During the evening discourse, Goenka talked about planting seeds of sankara, and reaping the same negative sankara in return. I thought that by crying I had released some negativity, but wasn't sowing seeds of sankara what I've been doing all day? I imagined Goenka doing an impression of Tom Hanks in A Leage of Their Own: "There's no crying in Vipassana!" After the discourse and the final sitting, I broke the 1st precept, make a phony excuse and asked Derek if I could leave on the 10th day. Considering his unusually calm and mild demeaner, he definitely balked at the request. I tried to push the issue, and he told me to come back the next day. I slept less than 2 hours that night. Lunch? It was some kind of potatoe mash/stir-fry thingy with cellophane noodle/seeweed salad.
Day 8 (12/30/04)
I sat through all three morning sessions, and so did the cougher. During lunch I went in to see Derek. I admitted that I had acted out of impulse and that I will stay for the final day of the course.
Derek: "I sense that you have a lot of anger towards the course."
Me : "(pause) Well....it's more like anxiety."
Derek: "It's all the same thing. Keep working."
I sat through the afternoon session thinking about what he said as my knee pulsed with the coughs. I left the meditation hall and told the manager about the cougher. He asked me to please bear with it, the response I fully expected. I knew it wasn't the best way to deal with it, by externalizing my anger, but it worked. I suppose that, by acknowledging my anger at the cougher in the most apparent/direct way possible, I was able to leave it behind. I even started to empathize with the cougher's inability to calmly meditate. Though we hadn't touched on meta meditation, I wished equanimity for the cougher that night, with goodwill outweighing selfishness. Also today it occurred to me why someone would masturbate right at the entrance of the building and risk getting caught. Reasons being 1)the risk of being caught itself, 2)the heater was right there, right next to the entrance, 3)the boxes of tissues were on top of the heater. Upon further reflection the entrance may have been the perfect place for meditation jacks! Lunch was udon noodles. It was really good too.
Day 9 (12/31/04)
I made the most out of this last day of meditation under noble silence. I just sat, all day. It was good. It ocurred to We had boiled massive tofu square with ginger and seeweed topping, plus boiled leafy green with wasabe and miso topping for lunch.
Day 10 (1/1/05)
After the morning group sitting, noble silence was over and everybody chatted eagerly and greeted each other happy new year. There was this guy from Canada who sat and served over 11 courses, once during a 6 month stint at the British Columbia center. There was also a Canadian lawyer who asked Derek philosophical questions during lunch, and who's always first in line for lunch, video discourse (so that he could sit in a chair), bathroom breaks, etc. I got tired of his me-first conversations pretty fast. A 24-year old Oregonian art student from Toyama (I can't remember the name of the town correctly, but it is near the Toyota headquarters, Toyota city) with whom I easily gelged. A dislexic college professor and an old British college student. A guy my age from Mongolia, who high-schooled in Hong Kong and currently goes to college in Tokyo. Can read/write/speak/listen in Mongolian obviously, is college-level functional in Japanese (fluent as far as I'm concerned), writes the best using English (again, fluent in English as far as I'm concerned), functionally conversational in Mandarin and Kantonese, and his best language overall is Russian. The Mongolian Multi-lingual Monsterfreak. I didn't get a chance to talk with that tall and lanky girl whom I briefly fantasized about on Day 4, who from what I overheard spoke pretty good English. I can't remember what lunch was, but sweet mochi, a Japanese dish for new years (actually Chinese too) was served.
Day 11 (1/2/05)
After a final morning sitting and breakfast, I left at about 7am. I had to shovel my car out of the snow and melt the snow and ice on the windshield before I can drive 3 more Japanese women to the bus station.
Although I can't exactly call it a success, I felt a lot better about the past 9 days. I didn't work as hard as I could, didn't meditate as much as I could, didn't observe the precepts, didn't remain calm and equanimous as well as I could, but it was still a meaningful experience. One can learn as much, perhaps more, from their failures and shortcomings as from their successes. My struggles were caused by none other than mental impurity and emotional negativity. And though I didn't manage to get rid of them all, I do feel a bit lighter. For better or worse, I am more aware of all the weight that I'm carrying now, which I was not conscious of before. It's like having gone through a mental crash diet but didn't lose all the weight. Now I know what to do to keep the weight off, and hopefully lose a bit more.
bhavatu sabbe mangålam,
may all beings be happy.
