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Special April Fools candidates:

"I'm tellin' ya man, to be able to stroke it like that must be some kind of feeling"
-- Dick Vitale on J.J. Redick

"There's Fredo, there's Sonny and there's Michael. The Godfather handed it over to Michael. I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane."
-- Shaquille O'Neal on comparing Penny Hardaway and Kobe Bryant to Dwyane

"Just as Jesus sacrificed himself for all of us, maybe this is a chance for me to do that for my team. The inferno could be like the hell, and then I could, you know, step up and take the place of somebody like Christ did for us on the Cross."
-- Cowboy John on volunteering to take The Miz's place in the Inferno on the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge"

"Call me a whore, call me a slut -- don't call me a liar."
-- Tonya explaining why she slept with Robyn's boyfriend, then was upset that Robyn didn't believe her on "The Inferno" Monday night

"I can't believe I got my butt whooped by a homosexual, but a lot of gay folks are strong, you know? They're always going to the gym."
-- James the Redneck after losing to Coby in a mission on "Survivor"

"In the end, those of us who walk away not winning win more than just a loss."
-- Audrey after getting fired from "The Apprentice"

"Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it's over."
-- Jalen Rose on LeBron James