Chinese New Year

Dinner at aunt's restaurant China Gourmet. Same old menu, same old string bean beef, walnut chicken, chow mein with the same overly soysauced taste.

It's a small place, the kitchen plus the dining area probably no more than a couple hundred square feet. The clamoring woks and spatula and the shouting orders added a hole-in-the-wall feel and actually made the place more Chinese eventhough the items are white Chinese food. It's the first time I actually observed how uncle run the business, chatting and joking (consisting of mainly generic comments and greetings and hearty but transparently business smiles) with the customers, in my opinion probably trying too hard to add a homely feel to just another Chinese fast food restaurant, but it must've worked over the years. That's what experience gives you I suppose, restaurant after restaurant after restaurants.

The conversation

Had a conversation with Ian Hutchison tonight.

After reading Rationing by Mary JapneseLastName Waters, I really got the sense why Mark and I get along so well.

Not because we are intelligent in the same way. Frankly, judging solely by academic achievement (which is the criteria of intelligence by most people), I believe that I am more intelligent than Mark (not meant to be a knock on him) there's no doubt that I am ahead of him by significant horse lengths. But we are similiar in how we are not intelligent. We are similiar because we are not smart in the same way: neither of us are smart enough to ignore our similiar shortcomings and are bounded by these shortcoming by the same way.

Both of us are extremely aware of why we are in a similiar career dilemma together. I can't even say why at this point, but both of us are after the same lofty goal of happiness without having any clues of how to achieve it, and both of us are doggedly after ways to achieve it in one single shot. We are not ready to set intermediate goals which MIGHT lead us in the right directoin. We want to achieve it and take the right step to achieve it righ tNOW.

The conversation with MArk's dad really put things into the right perspective. I have this strong feeling, more than a strong feeling, that dad would've said the same thing, had we been able to communicate on the same level in the same language. There's something uncanny about our similarities. abour our family background, about our family relationships, about how these family relationships are carried out. I am just super glad that, gasp, I migh thave found a front runner for soulmate right here.

My writing habit

My personal writing habits definitely resemble her process of writing food reviews: xx-ing out sentences, editing and re-editing them until frustration dawns. The bulk of what I have written in my life thus far have been academic papers, and I have adopted habits that (I believe) best suit this sort of analytical and argumentative essays. Unlike Anne, I have never written a single draft in my life. My writing process is probably as smooth as 405 during the evening commuter hours. I agonize over each and every sentence, adding prepositional phrases one after another into every nook and cranny of the sentence. It often takes me more than 5 minutes to finish one single sentence, and I usually take breaks after a few have been written in a row, feeling quite satisfied. Once a sentence is written I seldom go back. I like to think of my style of writing as an organic/vegetative process, a paper that slowly grows and matures sentence by sentence. One significant downside: reading it is an organic/vegetative process too.

I also like caffeine binging into the single-digit AM hours. Not that I feel that my mind is sharper at night, nor is it because caffeine activates my muse, but because I like the sense of martyrdom that you get from working all-nighters and because it is the only thing that can overcome unscrupulous procrastination. Due to caffeine and laziness, I like taking frequent bathroom breaks while I am writing. I also enjoy bi-directional pacing—it’s a good contemplative look in the corner of the library. Keeping an open internet connection while I am writing is also important as it gives me access to dictionaries and thesauruses and ESPN.com as well as other bits of entertainment. In sum I enjoy putting myself in peril of distractions and procrastinations when I write because despite the quality of my writing, the finished product will always be a triumphant result with that “against-all-odds” feel.

Back to OC

Back to blogging in the black leather loveseat, in front of tv clicking keys to Sportscenter and college BB highlights.

Didn't get the job, I am somewhat surprised, both at the lack of an offer and how disappointed I was. Even considering that I probably unconsciously sabotaged the interview (even Kayvon said so), there is no doubt that my qualifications are top-notch. The only reasons I can think of are 1) they might have hired someone who speaks Spanish or 2) they might have hired someone who is actually enthusiastic for the job. Oh well, no big deal, back to OC and my Saddleback classes.

Still, the trip to SF is not without success of other kinds. It was nice re-connecting with those guys, from whom I have definitely intentionally or unintentionally distanced myself away. Talking to Kayvon, joking around with Ben, cooking and cleaning with Dave, smacking the shit with Evan definitely made the week (unfortunately I missed the chance to hang out with Wyler). I realized that the reason that I grew distant was most likely because of this little slump that I am in. But hey, even Buddha said himself that nothign is permanent. I should make an effort to call those guys more often.

I'll end today's blog with an one-liner I had in the shower: I don't put myself on a pedestal, but I am definitely a stool above everyone else.

And it continues in SF

Blogging in the brown leather laz-boy in SF sure feels different.

There's always a good excuse for a few days of missed bloggs. Friday morning I emailed in my resume to Hanson Bridgett for a short-term case-clerk position. Monday morning I took off from OC, and this morning I had the interview. There's a distinct possibility that I may be looking at 3-4 months of SF residence starting today.

The interview went well. Perhaps a little bit too well--there wasn't a thing I would change about the interview and that was probably a sign that I fucked up something major during the interview. i was interviewed by the paralegal, who I had decent rapport. The case will be against Flour Daniel which is headquartered in, guess where, Aliso Viejo. The discovery will be conducted electronically, using, guess what, Summation. Megan Allyse, the interviewing paralegal, is interested in my philosophy background and who is (I deducted) interested in bioethics herself, and was curious about, guess who, Agnieszka Jaworska. It seems I had all of the cards...

Which would make it difficult for me to refuse the position if I had gotten accepted. I'm actually getting used to the idea of chillin' at home and taking Saddleback classes and aborting that to come to SF actually isn't as appealing as it would have been even 3 weeks ago. What changed? Meditation? I doubt it.

Just rolling in karma, rolling along.

Further Meditation on Vipassana

Even after 10 days of meditating in monk-like seclusion, I still have doubts about Vipassana. Doubts about its philosophy, its metaphysics, its "secular" theology. But not doubts about the technique itself and its practical benefits.

Vipassana claims to be a secular meditation technique, but during the 10 days we were bombarded with Buddhist philosophy/metaphysics/theology from all angles. Everything is Buddha this, dhamma that. Not that I have a problem with it, out of all the major religions I do find Buddhism to be the least indoctrinating and most user-friendly. However, at times Goenka's video lectuers do have the feel of a sermon and I am allergic to that kind of religious innuendo.

The basic assumptions that Vipassana makes are rational enough. The source of all suffering is craving/aversion. Craving/aversion arises from sunkara (sp?), which I understood as emotional reactions against physical sensations. As sensation arises, one quite naturally develop a +/- preference for it. During meditation, as long as you observe your sensations with supreme objectivity and equanimity--i.e. no +/- preference--you will not generate sunkaras and you will there have averted craving/aversion and thus in turn misery. Since the nature of everything is imperminance, it is only rational to treat everything with objectivity and equanimity without attaching to something so transient and ephemeral. In this way, I suppose meditation is used as a practical metaphor for life.

What about carving/aversions that have non-physical/symbolic abstractions as their objects? What if what you crave is merely an idea? I suppose it is easy to point out that any mental activity has physical/biochemical/neural manifestations, which, in principle can be "felt" and the same technique can aid in the elimination of its corresponding craving/aversions. There is logical contradiction in this: if as I understood previously, by maintaining that one can separate physical sensation from its mental treatment (separating pain sensation from pain experience), then it is essentially stating that the link of mind and body must be broken in order to transcend misery; yet, to eliminate craving/aversion for mental objects, one must resort to the very link (mental object as physical manifestations) that he tries to break. This is asking for the impossible, it doesn't make sense to use the same sword to cut itself in half. Furthermore, even if somehow this logical contradiction can be avoided, the technique can merely eliminate the resonance of craving/aversion (mental object resulting in physical manifestation, which is felt and further crv/avs avoided) but not the source, which is necessarily mental and does not stem from bodily sensations.

Additionally, I don't feel that craving/aversion is necessarily evil. Sure they cause misery, but they are also fundamental elements that drive evolution and progress. A lion craves meat (not in the emotional sense, but in a more philosophical sense that since meat will extend its existence and it naturally gravitates toward an "evolutionary" craving). The nature of life is such that it craves its continuation, life's object of craving is life itself. But then I suppose this is precisely the battle Buddha is trying to fight. The law of nature is cyclical suffering and struggle to further itself, and Buddha is trying to break man out of that cycle. To shatter our craving for our own life?

Regardless, there's no doubt meditation will benefit me in ways other than guiding me on a labyrinthine path to enlightenment. Studies have shown that it increases mental focus and awareness, reduces stress and lethargy. I can already feel that I've been having more dreamful sleep, more lucid dreams, and less sleep. I crave these physical manifestations of my slightly cleansed mind so much that I will continue to meditate and discover about Vipassana and Buddhism. Until the day I realize that I can break the circle, I will continue to use this craving for meditation and its benefits to fuel my medative elimination of craving.

Meditation on Vipassana

First blog of the new year, back after 10 days at the Vipassana meditation retreat.

First let's start with the elements. Can't complain with the amenities and accomodations if they're free. And in fact, they were quite nice, much nicer than I expected. Three beds with shower in a heated suite the size of my room ain't bad (especially if you had the un-bunked bed like mine). Heating was key, as it was quite chilly in Joshua Tree, one often wakes up in the morning discovering new patches of ice on the sandy grounds. The desert surround was ideal environment for meditation. I hiked up to the foothills discovering that there was literally nothing around the center at least a mile or two around. Other than the occasional freeway noises you hear absolutely nothing except for the birds, the wind, and the gongs. The course was timed nicely progressing through the up phase of the moon, ending on a full moon. At night the moonlit desert looked like sandy beaches and the Joshua trees looked like malnurished palm trees. The food, oh the food. I would say that its pretty good, refraining from using superlatives because my enjoyment of it was perhaps due to augmentation by diminuation, the 1-meal-a-day effect (besides the mostly bland oatmeal breakfast). Vegatarian with plenty of soy and occasional dairy, I can remember soy steaks, ginger fried rice, potatoe soup, lentil curry, chick pea curry, patthai (hmm), kale with penut sauce, veggie lasagna, bean and rice mexican, some Greek (which I doubt) lump mixed with corn and soy which wasn't half bad. Other than the flatulence and the twice daily shits, I was always satisfied after lunch and only mildly hungry at night.

Let's save the meditation for tomorrow. I'm dead tired now.