The end of ostrich-ing

I am declaring an end to ostrich-ing. I have been ostrich-ing about Yuko for the past three months and it's time I pulled my head out of the sand.

Looking back to that photo I posted on Halloween, it was good that I went with a simple caption instead of some foolishly sentimental manifesto. I still have the draft to that foolishly sentimental manifesto I wanted to email Yuko, but it will most likely never see the light of day again.

I feel like such an idiot. For being fooled, and for fooling myself. Did Yuko ever harbor any romantic feelings for me?

My vindictive left ventricle says she did not. She says that she has no idea that

1) calling a guy the next day, whom she had just met the night before, to make future dates
2) taking the initiative to do this to me multiple times and
3) making plans to travel, her and me and no one else, to Okinawa and
4) making Christmas dinner plans two months ahead of time and
5) batting her eye-lashes, laughing at my stupid jokes, making accidental/intentional hand/arm/body/lips contacts and doing just about everything to drive a man into morning-like arousal

are signs of romantic interest. Fuck you-ko. You're telling me that, after having studyied in UK, after having known scores of English-speaking friends, and after having jilted at least one English-speaking man in Tottori besides me, you have no idea that what you were doing to me will make a non-Japanese man think something besides no-strings friendship? Fuck you.

My emotionally-masochist right atrium says she did have romantic feelings for me. She can't really be that good of an actress, can she? I can't really be that big of a namby-pamby idiot, can I? She got out of a relationship, and an engagement, a year ago. The same guy lives right here in Yonago. She has emotional scars to heal. At the same time, she'll be leaving Japan in a few short months, so it's understandable she has trouble involving herself even in something casually romantic. She probably did not drag me into this pink whirpool maliciously.

Then again, my heart is all cracked and it's mostly because of her(definitely more than 60%, I wasn't really even that attracted to her in the first place; my first impression of her at Tyler's party: "She's kind of cute, but she looked a bit older than me doesn't she?" I remember this clearly and when she asked me in bed that morning about my first impression of her I was at a loss for words) and I'm far from happy about it. Felt like she has popped my gall bladder and I've got bitter bile cruising through my arteries. To be continued. I haven't let it all out yet and it's already 5pm.